On the road Sebastian and I came up with an invention, that, like Cactus Tractor, Cat Distractor and many other misheard musings, is sure to make us rich and famous forever.  Sebastian’s family has, stored in their garage, a small tea tin containing the remains of much loved family pet named Mushroom (careful readers of our blog will be familiar with this detail, see “The Most Important Thing is That You Blog,” July 28, 2012, Farnsworth).  We were discussing what else could be done with the ashes of a pet (other than the traditional burial, distribution via wind or water in a beautiful location, keeping in an urn on the mantle piece, etc.) and we came up with something quite remarkable.

What if the ashen remains of a beloved ex-dog, cat, bird or fish could be made into ink for the mourner?  As the ink would actually contain the pet’s corporal remnants it could be called incorporated ink and our production business could rather cleverly be called “Ink, Incorporated,” or “Ink, Inc.”

Taglines immediately presented themselves:

“Ink, Inc.  Making ink meaningful,” or

“Ink, Inc. Bringing death to ink, bringing ink to life.” 

As we considered the advertisements for such a product we naturally began considering it’s uses.  Incorporated ink could be used to add a certain weightiness to special documents.  Witnesses signing birth, death or marriage certificates would represent themselves, as well as their ex-pet.  Manifestos would seem more potent, invitations would be harder to turn down and, mad libs would finally be considered seriously…all because the the ink with which they have been drawn up is now tinged with a melancholy reminder of mortality.

If an especially well-loved animal were to pass on, the potency of the ink could be cut back to only a few particles per million in each bottle.  Thus the lives of millions could be touched (literally) by this animal’s chalky remains.

This could be the biggest marketing scheme since personalized grains of rice.  Hey! The names on said rice grains could be printed with incorporated ink!  The personal value and meaning afforded the personalized-rice-grain-buyer would be multiplied exponentially with the addition of a beloved pet’s totemic presence.

Clearly Ink, Inc. is a fantastic idea.  It was only when we began discussing Blood, Inc. (another kind of incorporated ink, made with the blood of the living buyer) that I began to think we might be getting a little carried away.  Obviously ink made from blood would be superior to pet-ash ink when creating treasure maps, pacts, or wills—but would it be sanitary?  Sebastian’s tagline for the new product, “Blood, Inc.  Tattoo her name on your body, in blood… her blood” sounded more creepy than awesome.

Blood ink would be ideal for signing documents or sealing secret envelopes because, unlike a regular signature, watermark, or seal it couldn’t be faked.  You can’t fake DNA.  But, you could steal it, and it would really suck if someone stole your ribbon of personalized ink to type up their crappy zine, and then you got the unasked for credit because it happened to be written with your blood.

Clearly, there are a few kinks to work out, and probably a lot of public health permits we’ll have to attain before Ink, Inc. becomes a reality.  So, we’ll see.